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There's an old-timey saying that says "birds of a father flock together." It means, of course, that like attracts like. We are known by the company we keep. Certainly, our friends and family share many things in common with us.

But, what happens when you start to grow and evolve? What if you become serious about your career? Serious about a relationship? Or embark on a personal development program? When you change, does your crowd need to change, or are you abandoning them if you start distancing yourself socially? Or, if you refuse to distance yourself from them, are sabotaging your OWN success?

I am seeing this dilemma play out in the book I'm reading right now, Aristocrats of Color by Willard B. Gatewood. The black aristocrats of the Reconstruction era were both admired and resented, loved and hated. The black masses looked up to them because of their accomplishments, but also resented them and called them snobby. This is because they primarily socialized with one another rather than with the poor and middle class of their race.

This is still the case, actually. The black aristocracy quietly lives on. There are still wealthy black social clubs that you can only join by invitation. 

Is this right or wrong? The 19th century black aristocrats didn't socialize outside of their class because they didn't want to be negatively influenced by the behavior and mentality of the poor and middle classes. They were responsible for the lion's share of charitable giving and schools that were built for the black masses. But they didn't socialize with them.

Is this hypocritical? Or is it a survival tactic? If you offer charity to someone that you don't want to hang out with, are you a hypocrite? If you give $10.00 to an unhoused individual, for example, or volunteer your time at a shelter, but don't invite them over to your house for dinner, does that mean you are a snob? 

OR, if you do decide that you SHOULD socialize with the people you want to help, is that a good deed or is it unwise? If you are trying to get sober, for example, should you continue hanging out with your alcoholic friends in order to help them? Or, will that cause you to relapse and join them in your old behavior? If you begin spending less time with negative friends and family as you work on personal development, are you a snob, or are you simply trying to hang onto your own progress?

There are no easy, fixed answers that apply to everyone. You have to search your own heart and determine your own motives for what you do. I am an empath and easily pick up on the energy around me. So, I curate my environment on purpose to regulate my mental health and to make personal progress much easier. Spending time with negative, unfocused, or toxic people drains my time and emotional energy.

But, happily, I had the distinct pleasure of attending a wonderfully positive event last weekend. It was an online multi-speaker event to celebrate the launching of Jamie Kern Lima's new book Worthy. The best part about it was that person after person spoke words of positivity and love in their own unique ways. You better believe I felt positively changed by the end of that event! 

I am also part of a private coaching program called the A-List Blueprint in which the leader, Andre Taylor, speaks possibility and strategy into our lives. He sees the highest and best in us.  That, too, is changing me for the better, week by week.

So, for me, association matters!

Although the black aristocrats were not perfect - some were even snobby or practiced foolish things like colorism - they kept their social circles small out of self-preservation, in my opinion. Choosing to associate with like-minded people is normal. (However, the evils of racism and the Jim Crow era eventually forced them to unite with blacks of all classes, but that is a topic for a different day).

Rather than worrying about who may be excluding me from their social group, I try to just focus on curating my own associations.

What about you?

Are you spending time with people who are winners, who are action-takers, who are grounded and spiritual, grateful for everything they have while striving for more?

Or, is your social group full of complainers, whiners, and two-faced people who are jealous of you when you win? 

Only you can answer these questions honestly.

But I don't fault winners for wanting to hang around other winners. My goal is to always be one of them.

What do you think? Should you stay away from troubled people, or should you hang around them so you can help? What has your experience been?

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Till next time,

Raven